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User blog:Ponyo Fan/South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut (12A Version)
Paramount decides to release a 12A version of the South Park movie to theaters because money. This is the result. Edits are in bold. Transcript Warning: Contains excessive strong language. Intro: Stan exits his house and heads towards town. He scoops up some snow and tosses it in the air, then dances as it falls on him. As he passes by TELE'S, various episodes of Terrance and Phillip play on the televisions behind the window. Then he runs into a man carrying a box full of stuff, then moves on Stan: relaxed There's a bunch of birds in the sky, And some deers just went running by. Oh, the snow's pure and white on the earth rich and brown! Just A- nother Sunday morning in my quiet mountain town. brisk The sun is shining and the grass is green Under the three feet of snow, I mean. This is the day when it's hard to wear a frown! All the happy people stop to say "hello," Townsman: Get out of my way! Stan: Even though the temperature's low. It's a perfect Sunday morning in my quiet little mountain town. crosses the street and reaches Tom's Rhinoplasty, where his mom, Sharon, works as the receptionist. Sharon sees him, and he soon shows her a movie ad Sharon: Well, good morning, Stan! Stan: Mom! Can I have eight dollars to see a movie? Sharon: A movie? Stan: Yeah. It's gonna be the best movie ever. It's a foreign film, from Canada. Sharon: All right, here you go. But be back for supper! Stan: Thanks, mom! leaves and walks brightly down the street. She watches him until he reaches Kenny's house, then returns to work Sharon: Oh, what a picture-perfect child! Just like Jesus, he's tender and mild. He'd wear a smile while he wore a thorny crown. What an angel, with a heart so sweet and sure. And a mind so open and pure. Thank God we live in this quiet redneck mountain town! house. Stan walk up and knocks Stan: Dude! Dude, wake up! rises and gets dressed Kenny, come on! Kenny: his hood (Coming!) Stan: Kenny! The Terrance and Phillip movie is out. You wanna come? Kenny: (Yeah, dude. Come on, let's go.) walk away… Mrs. McCormick: at the door Where do you think YOU're going? Kenny: (To the Terrance and Phillip movie.) Mrs. McCormick: You can't! You have to go to church! Kenny: (But Mom, I wanna see this movie!) Mrs. McCormick: Well, fine. Go ahead and miss church. And then, when you die and go to hell, YOU CAN ANSWER TO SATAN! Kenny: (…Okay!) and Kenny walk away and step over a homeless man on the street. They pass the church they should have gone into for Sunday services Stan: You can see your breath hanging in the air. You see homeless people, but you just don't care. It's a sea of smiles in which we'd be glad to drown! Kenny: (Don't you know? It's like a perfect winter day And that I'm glad I can say) Stan: That's right! It's Sunday morning church choir in our quiet little white-bread redneck mountain town! plays with Ike outside the house Ike: Bah bah bababah! Kyle: Ready, Ike? Kick the baby! Ike: Don't kick the baby. Kyle: Kick the baby. Ike through the window, and Ike squeals with delight Sheila: Ike! You broke another window! That's a bad baby! Baaad baby! and Kenny reach Kyle's house Stan: Kyle! We're going to the Terrance and Phillip movie! Kyle: Oh my God, dude! to walk away with Stan and Kenny Sheila: Kyle, where are you going?! Kyle: Uuh. We're going ice-skating. Sheila: Well, take your little brother out with you. Kyle: Aw, ma. He's not even my real brother. He's adopted. Sheila: Do as I say, Kyle!! Kyle: Okay, okay, I'm sorry. boys leave, and Sheila goes back in and begins to sing. Near the end of her part she dances across the living room and ends with a high kick as Gerald reads the morning paper. Sheila: Look at those frail and fragile boys, It really gets me down. The world is such a rotten place, And city life's a complete disgrace! That's why I moved to this redneck meshuggeneh qui- et moun- tain town! flies through the other window Ike! Bad baby! hops out and away Ike: Tay for a bah. watches TV and munches on Cheesy Poofs Announcer: This program is brought to you by Snacky S'mores, the creamy fun of s'mores in a delightful cookie crunch. doorbell rings Cartman: Mom, somebody's at the door! Liane: Coming, hon. by in front of him Cartman: Ey! I can't see the TV! Reporter: It's been six weeks since Saddm Hussein was killed by a pack of wild boars, and the world is still glad to be rid of him. Liane: Oh, look, Eric. It's your little friends. boys enter Ike: Torry mayam! Cartman: What are you guys doing here?! show him the movie ad Oh. Sweet, dude! Yes! Yes!! five boys now head for the theater The boys: quickening Off to the movies we shall go, where we learn everything that we know, 'Cause the movies teach us what our parents don't have time to say! And this movie's gonna make our lives complete, slowing 'Cause Terrance and Phillip are sweet. Cartman: Super sweet! The boys: Thank God we live in a quiet little redneck podunk white-trash Kenny: (Kick-ass!) The boys: U… S… A!!! Stan: at the ticket booth Can I have five tickets to Terrance and Phillip: Asses of Fire, please? Clerk: NO!!! Kyle: What do you mean, "No"? Clerk: Terrance and Phillip: Asses of Fire has been rated R by the Motion Picture Association of America. You have to be accompanied by a parent or guardian. Kyle: But why? Clerk: Because this movie has naughty language! Next please. bigger, older kids move in and buy their tickets. Stan: This, this can't be happening! Kyle: boys start to walk away We have to see this movie, dude! Cartman: Aw, screw it! It probably isn't all that good anyway. Kyle: Cartman, what are you talking about?! You love Terrance and Phillip. Cartman: Yeah, but the animation's all crappy. camera shows the boys walking in a very jerky manner, almost bouncing Stan: Wait, I've got an idea! smiles Bijou ticket booth. The boys are back, this time with the bum Stan and Kenny encountered earlier. He holds their money. Bum: Uh, hi. I want six tickets to Asses of Fire. Clerk: This movie might not be appropriate for your little ones. Bum: down to speak to Stan Hey, he says this movie isn't appropriate for you. Stan: Look, Mr. Homeless Guy: If you don't wanna buy us tickets, and not get your ten bucks, and not go buy yourself a bottle of vodka, then be my guest! Bum: Six tickets, please. clerk rings them up theater, inside. The boys sit in the front row. They have their treats, but Cartman is practically buried under his. The bum is not with them. Kyle: Let me have some candy, Cartman. Cartman: Oh, let's see. over his stash Uuuh nope, I don't have any Jewish candy. Kyle: What, d'you really need all that chocolate, fat boy?! Ike: Ba ba ba ba. Stan: Shh, the movie's starting! large ass appears on screen wearing shorts, with the film title appearing over it. The boys: Hooray! Phillip: Say, Terrance, what did the Spanish priest say to the Iranian gynecologist? Terrance: I don't know, Phillip. What? farts on Terrance's face, and both get into hysterics over it Stan: Where do they come up with this stuff? Terrance: You're such a pigfucker, Phillip! Kyle: boys gasp What did he say? Phillip: Terrance, why would you call me a "pigfucker"? Terrance: Well, let's see. First of all, you fuck pigs. Phillip: thinks Oh yeah! giggle Terrance: Well, fuck my ass and call me a bitch! giggle Phillip: Oh, you shitfaced cock'master! The boys: awestruck Wow! Cartman: "Shitfaced '''cock'master." Terrance: Listen, you donkey-raping''' shiteater,— Kyle: "Donkey-'raping' shiteater." Ike: "Dobee babing sheeteater." Terrance: —you'd fuck your uncle! Phillip: You'd fuck your uncle! Terrance: Shut your fucking face, uncle fucka! You're a cock-'''sucking '''ass-'''licking uncle '''fucka! You're an uncle fucka; yes, it's true! Nobody fucks uncles quite like you! Phillip: Shut your fucking face, uncle fucka! You're the one that fucked your uncle, uncle fucka! You don't eat or sleep or mow the lawn; You just fuck your uncle all day long! and Phillip trade fart sequences Hm. farts, then they laugh. They fart their way out of the house and onto an intersection hamdled by a mountie. They dance and fart around him, raising his hat off his head several times. Mountie: What's going on here? and Phillip fart, then the mountie farts, then drivers arond them fart as well. Audience members begin to rush out while the boys dance in their seats Woman: What garbage! Man: Well, what do you expect? They're Canadian. Choir: Uncle Fucka Uncle Fucka Uncle Fucka Uncle Fucka this time all the Canadians are dancing and farting wildly Terrance and Phillip: Shut your fucking face, uncle fucka! (Uncle fucka) You're a boner-'''biting bastard, uncle fucka! Terrance: You're an uncle '''fucka, I must say. Phillip: Well, you fucked your uncle yesterday! Terrance and Phillip: (Ha ha ha) Uncle fu-cka, that's U N C L E. Fuck you! Uncle fuckaaaaaaaaaaa! freeze Phillip: Suck my balls. three hours later. The doors open and the boys walk out and past the booth Kyle: Dude, that movie was fucking sweet! Cartman: You bet your fucking ass it was! Stan: Fuck dude, I wanna be just like Terrance and Phillip! Clerk: them Hey, wait a minute! Where's your guardian?! Kyle: Huh? four of them look at the clerk Clerk: I knew it! You paid a homeless guy to get you in, didn't you?! Cartman: Fuck off, you donkey-'raping' shiteater! and begins to walk away. The others follow. Kyle: Yeah! Shut your fucking face, uncle fucka. The boys: You're an ass-licking ball-sucking uncle fucka… Pond, afternoon. Many of the third graders skate over its frozen surface. Stan and his friends arrive and stand on the bank. Clyde: up to them Hey, where have you guys been all day? Stan: Oh, nowhere. We just went to go see the Terrance and Phillip movie! Bebe: the kids turn and gasp, then crowd in on the boys You already saw it? Clyde: How'd you get in? Cartman: Hey, stop crowding us, you shitfaced cock'''masters! Kids: awestruck Wow! Stan: Yeah, you're all a bunch of ass-ramming''' uncle fuckers! Kids: impressed Ooo! Clyde: Token We have got to see this movie, dude. Kyle: Terrance and Phillip are Canadian, just like my brother. Stan: comes into view, and a song plays in his mind There's the girl that I like. Cartman: Hey, Stan. Tell about when Terrance called Phillip a testicle-shitting rectal wart. Stan: Now, more than ever, she gives me butterflies. It makes my stomach queasy every time she walks by. Cartman: Asshole, I'm talkin' to you! Stan: I know I can be cool if I try. Wendy knows he's there and comes at him spinning in the air in a triple Lutz before landing before him. He gets ice all over his face. Wendy: Hi, Stan! vomits on her Gross! Gregory: up next to her Come, Wendy. Let us try to jump the hilly brush. Stan: himself off Who are you, kid?! Gregory: My name is Gregory. I just transferred from Yardale, where I had a 4-0 grade point average. Wendy: Wanna skate with us? Gregory: We've been skating all morning, and laughing, and talking of memories past. Stan: We saw the Terrance and Phillip movie. Gregory: aloof Oh ho. Try and catch me, Wendy! off Wendy: sadly Bye, Stan. and skates away slowly Cartman: Yes, yes, I saw the Terrance and Phillip movie. Who wants to touch me?… I said, WHO WANTS TO FUCKIN' TOUCH ME?! Butters: Cartman Oooo. Clyde: Come on, gang. We've gotta see the Terrance and Phillip movie, too! kids skate away. Only Cartman and Kenny remain Cartman: I hate you, Kenny. looks back in anger Garrison's classroom, Monday. The kids dance on their seats and sing away Kids: Shut your fucking face, uncle fucka You're a boner-'''biting bastard, uncle '''fucka You're an uncle fuck— doorknob turns and all fall silent. Their teacher enters and speaks to them through Mr. Hat Mr. Hat: Okay, children, let's take our seats. We have a lot to learn today. Mr. Garrison: We sure do, Mr. Hat. and Gregory sit next to each other in the back row, left. Stan looks at them from across the room Okay, children, let's start the day with a few new math problems. a problem on the board. What is five times two? …Come on children, don't be shy. Just give it your best shot. smiles and raises his hand Yes, Clyde? Clyde: Twelve? Mr. Garrison: Okay. Now let's try to get an answer from someone who's not a complete retard. Anyone?… Come on, don't be shy. Kyle: his hand I think I know the answer, Mr. Garrison. Cartman: mocking Muh muh muh muh muh muh, muh muh muh. In progress. Category:Blog posts